FILM UPDATE!!! Sept 2022

I know it has been a while since I have sent an update and here are the reasons why: 

• The Instagram page for the film got closed down after spending 5+ years building it

• The algorithm of TikTok makes it so you have to post every day (4x ideally)

• I didn't raise enough funds for more than just the sound designer

• its been 17 years of blood sweat and a LOT of tears pushing this project along

Needless to say, I have been a bit burnt out! However, that doesn't mean I still don't have my heart in this project AND that it isn’t getting worked on:-) 

At the beginning of March 2022, I was able to LOCK PICTURE!!! After borrowing a friend's laptop because my other two wouldn't run premiere Pro software (grrrr). I Then, with the grace of so many FRIENDS that have offered their TIME and SKILL sets, I passed it off to a friend to complete the color correction and titles!!! 

Due to this not being a paid gig, He had to work around his busy work schedule, but he didn't give up.. and I JUST got the first color correction back for review!!! Which I am attaching a screenshot of:-) 

I will take the next week to review it fully, then send it back with any notes. Once that is done and he has any images he needs and all the info for the titles, he will be working on that( when he can) Oh man, money is a pain in the ass:-) 

The next step AFTER all that is done... is to send it off for sound editing ( yes I was a novice filmmaker and I tried my best to have good mics, but it wasn't always the case, so god be with him as he gets a sloppy soundtrack to work on!:-) However, all the money that WAS raised..THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!! Will be paying for his time:-) I kept it in an account locked away for this moment. 

Now with all THAT being said. We are so so close to having this film ready to be sent out for your viewing (I would say PLEASURE here, but let's be honest, there is NOTHING pleasurable about ADDICTION whether it's watching a loved one, or dealing with it yourself). However, I know this film will help many to at least not feel so alone, and to see how LOVE really did save OUR relationship! 

So if you made it to the end of this long update.. THANK YOU! Thank you for your patience, support,  and love in this project. It will be done when it is done, but I know we will get there:-) 

Lastly, if anyone STILL wants to contribute to the film, you can do so HERE

ANY additional funds raised will go towards submitting the film to festivals and getting the music rights to a few songs I would LOVE to use in the film! 

Sincerely, 

Tarah

Dec 24, 2023 UPDATE:

The film got help up with the sound correction. So is the life of trying to make a film without a budget. So thankful for the contributions so far, the funds have been held for the sound correction, which I was able to get a huge discount on! However, all other parts have been pro bono, offered by amazing people wanting to see this project completed.

Due to this being pro bono the film gets worked on between paid project and takes a lot longer, but I know we will get there! I am so grateful for everyones contribution thus far. I will update more once we are closer to the completion. <3

Books Im reading; understanding complex ptsd and how to relate

I haven’t been posting much on social media as I haven’t felt a strong desire to, which when I look at it, is a pattern. After I go through some tough processing, I naturally need to “refill my cup” .. aka live more in the moment and seek joyful nurturing experiences.

I seek friends and adventure. An “energy movement” of sorts. Like the bear that has been hibernating, now it is hungry for all the berries. The fruits of life.

It’s a beautiful thing to take note of the way we live. I used to beat myself up when I would go through cycles, feeling like I should be socializing more, or that what I was wanting wasn’t right. But as feelings have shown me, they are every changing, as are we:-)

So since this is a blog to share some of the amazing books I have been reading (listening to) I will get into that:-)

#1. What my bones know by Stephanie Foo wow, wow, wow! I ate this book up in a matter of days because every word felt like it was my own. How my “messed up” (as I used to identify it) brain; processed things. The self-talk, the forward-thinking of the “worst-case” scenarios, and how I would be defensive and fall into a state of victimhood (that I thought I kept hidden from the outside world but was being acted out in my behaviors). It was like she got into my brain and spoke the things I didn’t say out loud! And man oh man was it refreshing! How I felt relieved, that I wasn’t alone in these processes and processing, and to help me understand WHY? COMPLEX PTSD! Yep, I knew I had it… as I lived out trauma as a child over a long period of time, that I wasn’t able to escape from. So my brain works differently than most others… it just couldn’t compute anymore what was a threat and what wasn’t. So everything became a threat and I have been in constant fight or flight since then.. (my sympathetic nervous system). Oh wow, now it makes sense. But the beautiful thing about this book and you have to really keep going all the way to the end to get there, was there because of this way I being, I may function differently, but that doesn’t mean it is necessarily working against me. When I look back to my childhood, I was constantly moving and this helps me today to easily navigate new places.

Plus as stated in the book, when COVID came and the world shut down where we had no idea what was going to happen, if you were like me and the author, this actually wasn’t too overwhelming. Having been used to so much change and uncertainty I was able to relax and know I would always figure it out, and if not well then the world must really be ending:-)

#2. US by Terrance Real I was recommended this book as I am curious about attachment styles and, to be honest, my friend was a genius to tell me to read this book before “attached.” I LOVE learning about how we become who we are, but what I love about this book is that it teaches us how to RELATE to others! What is cool from listening to the last book then this one, is that often what happens after trauma (and we ALL have had it) is we act from those wounded places, and because of this we have a difficult time relating to others. Even empathy. I recently chose to disengage from a person in my life, because of their lack of empathy. To see that when we act from a place of defensiveness rather than compassion we lose our connection to the other.

A really powerful statement a friend relayed to me was that, just because someone is having a different experience than you, it doesn’t mean it is not true. What another person is experiencing IS in fact TRUE to them! Wow, that, if we could come to see that it's okay to have different experiences of things, but to still hold love and compassion for the one hurting. To me, those are the only relationships I want in my life from now on.

So ya this book is a gem on so many levels, but I’m only halfway through it… so I’ll leave it at that!:-)

#3 The tao of fully feeling by Pete walker I have mentioned this book so many times, but I finally got the paperback as there were so many things I wanted to highlight! This book was the first book that taught me to FEEL all (everything) and especially the things I try to push away, like anger, disappointment, and sadness. Again book #1 talks about this too, how there are these emotions we have been taught that shouldn’t be felt. But we NEED to feel them all. Also, we need to see that the painful things done to us were not ok and that in BLAME we can find FORGIVENESS, especially for ourselves!

And finally, because I love to connect to things from a spiritual perspective…

#4 Beqoming by Azyra and Benjamin Bequer This book helps you get to the core of what you REALLY want. But I would have to say it is like a death portal, it is some crazy journey that has a workbook attached that teaches you how to see where you are blocking yourself from your potential! And understanding what you ACTUALLY want vs, what you may THINK you want. When I got towards the end of this book, I literally wrote the authors because I was feeling manic, and they said “oh you must be in the death process,” YEP! and for someone who feels deeply unstable when I can’t control things around me (certain things). Well, it showed me that I was trying to do JUST that! Control, but WHY, and where did it come from? In all the books above, so many of the ways we have learned to cope came out of a need to survive. But as we get older we don’t need to use these coping strategies. And we can hold witness to them, seeing that is an inner child part of ourselves that at some point needed to protect themselves. So as I already have a spiritual practice I listened to what I needed… and it lead me to a hypnosis meditation on grounding. Which grounding, is also related to our “root” chakra, which if you think about it, what is in the ground.. ROOTS. I found this hypnosis meditation to be amazing! it helped me release my anxiety about the future and the things I couldn’t control. The “root chakra” or the 1st chakra is about safety & security. The one thing many of those with turbulent childhoods didn’t get the experience of knowing at a young age!

So ya, that is my book review for children of addicted parents or for people who are trying to heal their traumas. And just generally for those who want to learn how to relate better to others and to hold more love and compassion for themselves!:-)

If you have a chance to listen/read any of them please comment below about your experience! I would love to hear about it!!

Pain As a Teacher

Love & pain, your greatest teachers

I woke up last night at the usual hr of 4am.. when I get flooded with thoughts/insights/processing ETC. I’m actually curious to know if this is the hr that happens for anyone else? (comment below)

So AS I was struggling to sleep, I decided to grab my phone and document in words what I was thinking.. and I came to this..

-The mother wound; can you imagine coming into this world and the one person that is supposed to teach you about love doesn't show you love, or can't show you the love you need as a child, so you spend the rest of your life searching for it. Well… if you're lucky you may come out on the other side realizing that it was all WRONG… YOU are/were always lovable (EVERYONE is) and the only reason your parent couldn’t make you feel that way, was because they were deep in their own wound of not feeling “loveable”. And they may have been trying to escape their own pain of that feeling through rage, drugs, sex, etc which also probably impacted you.

In my last blog, I wrote about how I was able to show the love she lacked from her own mother and give it to her. Because of my own wound, it pushed me to have empathy for other people with pain. I never wanted anyone to feel alone. Including my own mother. Which, yes, can result in codependency if we are not careful.

But also on this journey in my last blog, I wrote about how I wanted a partner that could hold my pain. Today I come to see that I attracted people that couldn't, or wouldn't. Because (I) needed to hold that pain. (I) need to love that part of myself that feels broken, so that I no longer step into a relationship thinking they will (fix) me.. i.e..giving me more love than I give myself.. then I have to ask myself: would I be staying in that relationship if I truly loved myself?

I recently read a statement by a psychologist in the book 'Deeper dating’ about how we will attract people that treat us in a particular way (often painful ways) to show us what needs to be healed.

If we cannot give ourselves those things- sure you may find partner that can help us hold that pain, but they will never fix it (that is only for us). And yes.. true love is a teacher and it beyond powerful; BUT self LOVE. Well that is a whole other level that can show you.. you are actually NEVER without LOVE. That is what I am getting flickers of right now. Seeing how many relationships I drew in, that I gave everything till I had non left for me. And I kept doing it over and over, because I didn’t value what I was giving. I was like her.. let me give you everything and never ask for anything in return, because isn’t that is what I thought love was a child of an addict ( but really it was just a person, that was hurting and numbing).

They say “pain travels through families until someone is willing to feel it”. I felt it. I feel it. And I'm going to give every inch of my love to it. now.

I recently went to Esalen , and through the curiosity of my friend’s 10 yr daughter and my own.. we joined a bathing ritual joining us was also her cutest little 5-year-old son (just o give the full vision), and we were all naked haha (very Esalan, and the first time I have ever been naked in front of strangers during the day). When I stepped into the water there were adults all around holding flowers and slowly releasing them into the middle of the tub; stating the names of the people they lost. I instantly wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I could feel all their pain, because I knew my own so well. In the ritual, the teacher asked us to hold the flower to our hearts and breathe through the flower to release something. I asked to release my pain and cried.

I used to think that love was the greatest teacher and now I understand that it is ALSO pain. They are parallels to each other. And both are equally beautiful in this game called life. When we stop hating one, when we lean in and let it whisper its secrets to us. Well, that is where the real magic happens. Because as we hopefully know by now.. life is always working “for you, not against you.”

AND just as I was given something to solidify my early morning retrospection.. I randomly selected a podcast to listen to as I walked my dog.. It is Glennon Doyle, on Opera’s super soul Wow, so much goodness in one little 30+ min show! She not only speaks of the honesty in the recovery community ( my people) thanks to my mom for showing me this. She said they were the first “Honest people” she has ever met, and I would have to agree.. its probably why I love so many in recovery and also those still battling the demon.

She also went on towards the end of the show to speak about pain! and it was like she read my mind, which obviously I just tapped into something universal. And she states so many gems… So I will leave you with them.. but please do yourself a favor and give it a listen (link highlighted above)

"Use the pain, to save yourself" -Glennon Doyle

“God gives us love, so it changes us” -Glennon Doyle

“No love is wasted, and love never fails” -Glennon Doyle

She also states… “pain is a teacher… it is the easy ways out..that we should be afraid of” she refers to numbing and addiction. AND can we please ALL be honest here for a moment…. Im sure we have ALL had an addiction of some sort at some point, and no one is better or worse, because of WHAT that addiction was. <3

The mother wound- in action and how to address it

I was recently contacted by an amazing show… which I will reveal later, if I get on.. but I really hope I do, because they are doing great work, and guess what??!!! They want to do a show on “the mother wound.”

They found me via tiktok (thanks again tiktok for all the connections you have brought me) I had put the #motherwound on one of my videos, however, I never really understood what that was so I had to do a little research on it. Here is what I found "The mother wound includes the dysfunctional coping mechanisms of women: sacrificing their needs, denying their power and potential, and abandoning their authenticity," Macaluso explains. "These strategies hammer home dysfunctional patterns [like] self-sacrifice, self-denial, and self-abandonment, which become highly dysfunctional traits in adulthood." you can read more here

Actually, as I post that.. it wasn’t the original article I found, but I really like this one. It speaks of the oppression of women, due to “ living in a patriarchal culture that's oppressive toward women.” which I may dive into later..

However, I knew that my childhood harvested a mother wound, and through my filming, I got to see my mother also had a mother wound.. and it has probably been going on for centuries!

What I came to see “my mother wound” being, was; growing up in an environment that lacked safety, security, and the inability to express my negative emotion.. due to my mother’s own pains.

This upbringing lead me to have low self-esteem. I didn’t value myself, because I believed my mother’s actions were in relation to how she felt about me. WHICH in reality and in my healing process with my mom, couldn’t be further from the truth. You know that saying “ hurt people, hurt people” well this is true. My mothers own pain, her own low self-esteem led her to numb through drugs. Yet, as much as I know this truth, it doesn’t heal the wound. SO I’m still in the process with this..

For myself, I numbed with drinking and sex. I guess I learned enough about the hazards of drugs from my mom, but I had to figure out that the way I was coping, wasn’t any different. And there are SOO many ways we cope to avoid our pains, overworking, distraction, even exercising can do this, even though we do need a healthy level of it. But when we overdo something it creates an imbalance. PLUS what I am REALLY coming to understand is: if we are feeling the need to get a rush, or to distract ourselves… maybe there is something we need to look at within.

If you follow my blog or videos on TikTok, you will know that I am constantly self-analyzing myself with the aim to heal and to address my wounds (openly). So often they aren’t visible and we act in ways that leave us hurting and we keep repeating cycles.

In my process of “reparenting” myself. I have to be accountable. I have to tell myself to NOT numb.. and to FEEL. Then to look into what those feelings are, and where are they coming from.

There is this great article on the power of turning inward when life gets hard.. if you want a good read on one of the American presidents and what he did after losing a wife and mother on the same day.

I am currently in this stage of needing to address my pain, as yet again, my relationship failed. Or should I say.. ran its course:-) because I believe “life is always working for you, not against you”

This brings me back to the quote at the top of this blog. So ok.. I have a mother wound. I know I struggle with feeling safe in romantic relationships, because I didn’t have that security as a child, and as much as I work on this.. its a process. AND because of this, I will need a partner that can understand my need, and see where it comes from with love, and if they are the right match it will be their pleasure to offer me that from within them. Oh man… its taken me a LONG time to stop lying to myself about that need! I have tried to stretch and shape into a person that I wasn’t because I was ashamed of this need, I was ashamed of my mother wound. But today I choose to love all of me. And I hope for all of us healing this part of ourselves right now. I hope you can give yourself the same amount of love to yourself, as you would to others.

So today I will see how brave I am being.. and let go of that which no longer serves me.

AS I am setting the precedent for my next partner to know my need, because I know and honor it within myself.

TO anyone reading this.. and if you too are healing this wound.. may we come together,.. and support each other on this journey, because … "pain travels through families until someone is willing to feel it” And if we are here doing the work.. let’s all give ourselves a pat on the back.. and an “I see you” <3 because we deserve that!

And I’ll leave you again with a song.. that feels like the love I want to be in.. clip of those lyrics below..

“That falling in love is a strange work of art

All of your battles will shape who you are

and know that your scars are my favorite part” -Brian Leseney fennel

Addiction and why I picked up my camera

When I first started this film, I thought it would be for kids, like myself, that have been torn away from their parents from drug addiction. Without knowing how I would tell the story, or even what the story would be about, I just started shooting and asking questions. I guess I thought if I could understand my mom's addiction, I could find the answers to my own pain. Skip to 15 years later, I'm still learning and healing, even after she is gone. I don't know if you will ever find all the answers, but maybe life isn’t always about that. Maybe it truly is about the journey, and hopefully, it will lead to a place of more love for oneself and others.

Human pain is all the same, as my mom told me, “ no one’s pain is better or worse than the others.” Through this journey with this film, I learned how to heal my wounds through understanding, compassion, and ultimately forgiveness. I learned that the pain I held inside from my mom’s choices, were choices she made from her own place of pain. It wasn’t about me. It also didn’t mean I had to deny my own feelings in order to understand her why’s, because it still happened to me, and that was real. I’ve learned you can hold compassion for both aspects of pain, and it is necessary to fully heal.

I see the results of addiction on families and it tears my heart apart. I see people living without a soul to call on, alone and feeling unloved. And I’ve seen family members destroyed when their loved ones pass away and they feel like they let them down. So, how can we end these vicious cycles of pain and regret? The only way I know how is to keep the love alive and to keep healing ourselves, so we can be there for those who lost their way to their own self-love.

This journey became not only about making a film but as a tool for my own healing and ultimately becoming a voice for those that have lost theirs. It has transitioned from being only for kids to becoming something for us all. I hope that by sharing our journey there will be lessons along the way that will help others on a similar path. Because all we did was clumsily, determinedly, kept trying to find a way through all the misunderstandings and pain, and we got there in the end. We got to the source of what really mattered and that was love.

Addiction may take lives, but it doesn’t have to take love.

Access my healing tools here

Podcast out now! EP:128 on RFR

Hi all, I have some exciting news to share. I was recently on Recovering from Reality with Alexis Haines. We got to sit down and talk about my upcoming documentary, what it has been like growing up in the home of a person with an addiction, and how we figured out how to STILL build and maintain a healthy relationship.

I look forward to hearing your feedback about the show! Please comment below, and if you want me on your show please contact me, I would LOVE to share our journey more!:-)

Artwork for Ep. 128 Supporting Addicts with Connection Not Control with Tarah Dowling RECOVERING FROM REALITYEp. 128 Supporting Addicts with Connection Not Control with Tarah Dowling 30 00:00:00 / 00:44:55 30 Subscribe to This ShowDownload This EpisodeEmbed This PlayerShare This Episode

Adoption and the "VOID" research.

Thank you all whom have shared your stories and resources on the video I posted of my mom speaking up about how she felt being adopted.

I really didn’t know too much about this feeling and I posted it because a young woman I follow spoke up about it and asked if anyone had something similar. I remembered having shot this of my mom, so I mostly did it for her. WOW, i never expected it to get such feedback. It breaks my heart to know so many people have this feeling and so many have been misunderstood about it.

I would LOVE for more awareness to be shared surrounding this… so I am compelling some of the resources shared.

This BOOK seems to capture all the information regarding this wound. The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child", by Nancy Verrier, Amazon link here

This is a BOOK for parenting a teenager who was adopted. “ Parenting in the Eye of the Storm by Katie Naftziger” Amazon link here

Here are a couple of Websites that have a lot of information on this wound. Which is identified as “Relinquish trauma”

https://mariedolfi.com/adoption-resource/relinquishment-trauma-the-forgotten-trauma/

a website that gives “Trauma-Informed Care: Resources and Information” particularly for kids: https://www.theannainstitute.org/TIC-RESOURCES.html

AND a YouTube video on “Adoption and Addiction” by Paul Sunderland. it is about an hr long, but you can change the speed where the setting are:-) Click here

And the biggest takeaway I got from these resources for both the adoptee’s parents and those who were put up for adoption is:

You need to feel the depth of the void, of that feeling, parents need to hold a safe space for the one experiencing it with compassion and understanding. It is NOT a personal attack it is a psychological trauma that needs to be felt as it can be healed.

If a person is an adult now, there is something called “INNER CHILD” work… here is a great article on it. We need to “Re-parent” at times, so if you are an adult with this wound you may need to look into creating a safe space to allow that healing to occur as if you were the parent.

I hope this all helps and if you have more suggestions on resources.. please comment below.