Addiction and why I picked up my camera

When I first started this film, I thought it would be for kids, like myself, that have been torn away from their parents from drug addiction. Without knowing how I would tell the story, or even what the story would be about, I just started shooting and asking questions. I guess I thought if I could understand my mom's addiction, I could find the answers to my own pain. Skip to 15 years later, I'm still learning and healing, even after she is gone. I don't know if you will ever find all the answers, but maybe life isn’t always about that. Maybe it truly is about the journey, and hopefully, it will lead to a place of more love for oneself and others.

Human pain is all the same, as my mom told me, “ no one’s pain is better or worse than the others.” Through this journey with this film, I learned how to heal my wounds through understanding, compassion, and ultimately forgiveness. I learned that the pain I held inside from my mom’s choices, were choices she made from her own place of pain. It wasn’t about me. It also didn’t mean I had to deny my own feelings in order to understand her why’s, because it still happened to me, and that was real. I’ve learned you can hold compassion for both aspects of pain, and it is necessary to fully heal.

I see the results of addiction on families and it tears my heart apart. I see people living without a soul to call on, alone and feeling unloved. And I’ve seen family members destroyed when their loved ones pass away and they feel like they let them down. So, how can we end these vicious cycles of pain and regret? The only way I know how is to keep the love alive and to keep healing ourselves, so we can be there for those who lost their way to their own self-love.

This journey became not only about making a film but as a tool for my own healing and ultimately becoming a voice for those that have lost theirs. It has transitioned from being only for kids to becoming something for us all. I hope that by sharing our journey there will be lessons along the way that will help others on a similar path. Because all we did was clumsily, determinedly, kept trying to find a way through all the misunderstandings and pain, and we got there in the end. We got to the source of what really mattered and that was love.

Addiction may take lives, but it doesn’t have to take love.

Access my healing tools here

Podcast out now! EP:128 on RFR

Hi all, I have some exciting news to share. I was recently on Recovering from Reality with Alexis Haines. We got to sit down and talk about my upcoming documentary, what it has been like growing up in the home of a person with an addiction, and how we figured out how to STILL build and maintain a healthy relationship.

I look forward to hearing your feedback about the show! Please comment below, and if you want me on your show please contact me, I would LOVE to share our journey more!:-)

Artwork for Ep. 128 Supporting Addicts with Connection Not Control with Tarah Dowling RECOVERING FROM REALITYEp. 128 Supporting Addicts with Connection Not Control with Tarah Dowling 30 00:00:00 / 00:44:55 30 Subscribe to This ShowDownload This EpisodeEmbed This PlayerShare This Episode

How did you do it? How did you build a relationship with a person in active addiction?

I get asked this question a lot. So I am going to write out what I just shared today:

For ME it’s always about finding a way IN.. how to connect as a friend, by finding out what shoes they like, or creating them a playlist, connecting over a funny TikTok video.. You have to work to find them inside.. as you might not recognize them anymore… then start asking questions, like (without judgment): “Why do you use?”

Now depending on your relationship that might be way too advanced for where you are with them and their illness. It took me a long time to get to the harder questions with my mom, and some she could never answer because they were too painful.

So try to evaluate your relationship and find the middle ground, find something you feel they will want to answer, it could be even about someone else. Such as, “Were you in love with dad” then LISTEN, you will have to build trust and the only way you will be able to do that is if you prove to them you are NOT judging them for their honesty, EVEN if it hurts, EVEN if it’s not what YOU want to hear.

You have to remember WHY you are there. Hopefully, it is because you want to understand them and you want a relationship. So keep that as your focus and show up as a friend. NOT as a child needing a parent, or a parent needing a child, JUST a friend.

You have to remember this person, might have been deeply wounded, maybe by something you have no idea about. So you need to build their trust that they will not be hurt more. EVEN though it hurts YOU, to see them like that, you are not there for that reason, that will be something you will have to deal with after on your own.

Read what helped me here

I highly recommend creating a practice of self-soothing; meditation, funny movies, walks in nature, playing with animals, being around supportive friends, reading a book, taking a bath, dancing. WHATEVER it is that brings a little comfort to you. DO that when it gets too heavy, and remember you do NOT want their demons to take you under, so it is YOUR responsibility to separate yourself from their pain. And however, long it takes you to recover, that is ok, and if it’s never, that is also ok. ONLY you will know what you CAN and CAN NOT handle, that is why BOUNDARIES will be key. Google or use #boundaries on TikTok to learn more.

Now if you want a way to understand their addiction, I will use this reference. You know the movie “lord of the rings” and you know Gollum feels about the ring.. well this is how an addict with the disease feels about their addiction in active addiction before getting help. Now REMEMBER you CANNOT make anyone chose to get help, you can’t guilt-trip them, or physically force them (well maybe, but I don’t know the legality of that one:-)

So keep returning to WHY you are there.

Now if they sense in the SLIGHTEST that you are going to take the “ring” (their addiction) away from them (including guilt trip), they may lie, steal, hurt you, etc. SOOOOOO this is VERY important. YOU NEED TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THEY MAY NEVER get better. I’m not saying that they won’t, BUT that is not going to be up to you. And you have to allow them to want to make that choice on their own and do try to find a way to express how their addiction is affecting you in a gentle way that they can understand, but since they are in the addiction they might not be able to hear it, and they may have too much guilt to be able to hear it.

So now once you’ve come to terms, I mean REALLY come to terms with that and believe me it took me SOOOOOO long to get there, I didn’t want to give up on her getting better, but eventually, I saw that pressure wasn’t helping. NOW yes, some say tough love is the answer and people have to hit rock bottom and you are ONLY enabling them if you don’t let them get there. But if for someone like my mom after YEARS of her trying to get better, and US being separated because she wasn’t I decided to try a new way. I am not god and I don’t know the outcome of people’s lives, but neither do you. It’s THEIR LIFE.

And again, what we are trying to achieve is a relationship with them, meeting them… where they are at.

If it’s too PAINFUL for you to accept that, or you just don’t want to, that is ok too. AGAIN I am not in your shoes or god. But this is how I did it:-)

I wished, oh man did I ever wish, and still to this day, I wish I knew what it was like to have a mom I could travel with, that I could have shown her my amazing life, outside of her impoverished rooms in the DTES of Vancouver. But that was not the life I was dealt with nor her, but instead, I got a mom that was deeply wounded, and incredibly giving in her own way, funny as fu*k, and just HER.

So I hope you get to just know the person you love for today, and I PRAY every moment of every day, that they will find a way from the grips of addiction and will begin to get the healing they deserve. But that is ALL we can do, PRAY, LOVE, and SHOW UP (however that might be).

Love you all, and I am SOOOOO sorry addiction has brought us together because I know the pain in your heart and I would NEVER wish it on another, but it is here to teach us something, and I HOPE that is how to unconditionally love (with boundaries).

PS. PLEASE spend the time to google and research the disease of addiction. Watch videos by Gabor Mate on youtube, EDUCATE yourself, LEARN about TRAUMA and how it affects people, and how to love and support someone with it. AND if you can find it within your heart to help others, PLEASE share your story! So many children are alone in their pain because no one wants to talk about ADDICTION, so they try their best to deal with their pain on their own, without any tools, and for most (not all)… they give up and take the path of their parent(s). WE as a COMMUNITY (which we are now. if you’ve got a shared experience of having addiction in your life). are RESPONSIBLE for these children whether they are yours or not.

AND... If you want a One on One with me book a session here

And so it begins...

A lot of the time I don’t capture the special moments that are shared off camera. So my aim is to share some of those moments with you here. I hope you enjoy them, and please leave a comment if inspired. I love connecting!